'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training At Needy Schools

'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training At Needy Schools

william reverts to animal instincts

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE".

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE ! AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE"

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE
ON
THE
SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'

THE FRIEND REPLIED
'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE I T DOWN
ON SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING
GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT ON STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT.'

LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS
ON
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS
ON STONE.

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AtomFilms.com: Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | Comedy Central

THE BUSH TAPES

It could happen

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

  

 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the

 pharmacy, walked up to the

 pharmacist, looked

 straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to

 buy some cyanide."

  

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you

 need cyanide?"

  

 The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,

 "Lord have mercy! I can't

 give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's

 against the law! I'll lose my

 license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All

 kinds

 of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You

 CANNOT have any cyanide!"

  

 The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a

 picture of her husband in

 bed with the

 pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the

 picture and replied,

 "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you

 had a prescription."

 

 

walmart greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The
Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're

twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't

believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you

for shopping at Wal-Mart

 

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You Might Be In The al Qaeda If...

You Might Be In The al Qaeda If...

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry plastic explosives in your robe.

...You've ever been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look fat?'

...You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that! cell p hones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.

 

---

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dare you not to laugh...

Happy New Year...

We have a new year ahead of us and only the most contentous election to come along since the Supremes anointed George the fecond to office in 2000. Let me see...do I want the coked out neophite, the embattled power whore or any one of the republican hacks that represent the worst cadre of worthless propagandists to pop up in the political whack-a-polemic contest since the dawn of man...

It cerntainly will be one for the record books...on the plus side...If Hillary wins Bill O'rediculous and Sham O'hammity's head will explode on national TV...

This Year's First Christmas Joke

This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter.  He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.   He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins...

 

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bizarro world

New York - When a Coney Island lifeguard spied a shark near an upset group of swimmers, he did what he thought was right: He rescued the fish.

 

Marisu Mironescu, 39, said he was prompted to action Monday after seeing about 75 to 100 people circling the 2-foot sand shark ff the beach and "bugging out".

 

"They were holding onto it and some people were actually hitting him, smacking his face," said Mironescu.  "Well, I wasn't going to let them hurt the poor thing."

 

He grabbed the largely harmless shark in his arms and carried it, backstroking out to sea, where he let it go...

 

asked what he was doing he said "I couldn't stand the thought of seeing another case of Men eating sharks...attacking the beach..."

 

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Motor City Madman Attacks Dems

Motor City Madman Attacks Dems

In a video of a recent live performance, rocker Ted Nugent launched into a tirade against Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY),...

intro

Lets play

Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa

from the Onion...

WASHINGTON, DC—Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' future was thrown further into jeopardy Friday when he was accidentally struck by a boom microphone, reversing a years-long case of amnesia and causing him to remember his true identity as hotshot Tulsa, OK pool and spa salesman "Cabana Al" Gonzales.

Enlarge Image

Gonzales asks Congress to let him return to his real career as soon as possible.

"My God, what am I doing here?" a dazed Gonzales asked reporters in what they assured him was indeed his office. "The last thing I remember is slipping on some wet redwood decking out by the Boswicks' 16-by-48-foot in-ground El Tropico—beautiful pool, that one, with a hefty seven percent commission attached—and then suddenly I'm waking up three years older, 25 pounds heavier, and defending my actions in the firing of eight federal prosecutors. Somebody has obviously made a really big mistake."

"Clearly, I should not be seventh in line for the presidency," Gonzales said. "Can I go home now?"

After being informed of the details of his recent legal career, including his opinion that the right of habeas corpus is not represented in the Constitution and that law enforcement officers do not in fact need warrants to listen to phone calls made by private citizens, Gonzales expressed regret over "whatever it was [he] did" and apologized to anyone he may have inconvenienced by his actions over the past three years.

White House doctors say Gonzales' amnesia seems to have been completely eradicated, leaving him dazed, shaken, and unable to explain how he became the chief law enforcement officer of the federal government.

"Law never really interested me much," Gonzales said. "Got a brother-in-law who's a lawyer. Sold him a pool, actually. But that's it."

Archived footage from Tulsa local television found by Senate investigators shows him in several local commercials touting "Cabana Al" as "the pool salesman Tulsa trusts" as late as November 2004, mere days before Bush announced he would nominate Gonzales to succeed John Ashcroft for Bush's second term. Furthermore, voluntarily taken polygraph tests indicated that Gonzales has absolutely no idea how he came to be placed in his current job, where he is in charge of a $40 billion budget and more than 110,000 employees.

"Why the hell would anyone appoint me, of all people, to this position?" Gonzales asked. "All I know about law is a couple of local Tulsa zoning ordinances restricting how big a pool you can put in various-sized suburban lots. Hey, I didn't change any of those while I...when you all thought I was.... No? Man, what a shame."

The Senate has decided against holding a no-confidence vote on Gonzales, as those who opposed the attorney general believe their point has been made, and those who supported him acknowledge that he himself is pleading to be excused from duties so that he can return to the greater Tulsa area as soon as possible.

"It's already full-blown summer, and if I'm going to sell any in-ground units this year I have to start digging by the end of June or they won't be ready until September almost, and the commission on above-ground stuff is just pathetic," Gonzales told Congress.

The attorney general has so far rejected Bush's offers to strike him upon the head in an attempt to reverse his sudden, unexpected amnesia cure and restore him to his former mental state. On the advice of counsel, all of whom, it has been verified, are actual lawyers, Gonzales has said he will not comment further on White House business, except to say that, if the president is interested, he could hook him up with a good deal on a three-season heated "Olympia model" for the Rose Garden