Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
walmart greeter
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The
Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008
You Might Be In The al Qaeda If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry plastic explosives in your robe.
...You've ever been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look fat?'
...You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that! cell p hones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year...
We have a new year ahead of us and only the most contentous election to come along since the Supremes anointed George the fecond to office in 2000. Let me see...do I want the coked out neophite, the embattled power whore or any one of the republican hacks that represent the worst cadre of worthless propagandists to pop up in the political whack-a-polemic contest since the dawn of man...It cerntainly will be one for the record books...on the plus side...If Hillary wins Bill O'rediculous and Sham O'hammity's head will explode on national TV...
Thursday, November 22, 2007
This Year's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season Begins...
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Wednesday, September 05, 2007
bizarro world
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Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa
from the Onion...
WASHINGTON, DC—Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' future was thrown further into jeopardy Friday when he was accidentally struck by a boom microphone, reversing a years-long case of amnesia and causing him to remember his true identity as hotshot Tulsa, OK pool and spa salesman "Cabana Al" Gonzales.
Gonzales asks Congress to let him return to his real career as soon as possible.
"My God, what am I doing here?" a dazed Gonzales asked reporters in what they assured him was indeed his office. "The last thing I remember is slipping on some wet redwood decking out by the Boswicks' 16-by-48-foot in-ground El Tropico—beautiful pool, that one, with a hefty seven percent commission attached—and then suddenly I'm waking up three years older, 25 pounds heavier, and defending my actions in the firing of eight federal prosecutors. Somebody has obviously made a really big mistake."
"Clearly, I should not be seventh in line for the presidency," Gonzales said. "Can I go home now?"
After being informed of the details of his recent legal career, including his opinion that the right of habeas corpus is not represented in the Constitution and that law enforcement officers do not in fact need warrants to listen to phone calls made by private citizens, Gonzales expressed regret over "whatever it was [he] did" and apologized to anyone he may have inconvenienced by his actions over the past three years.
White House doctors say Gonzales' amnesia seems to have been completely eradicated, leaving him dazed, shaken, and unable to explain how he became the chief law enforcement officer of the federal government.
"Law never really interested me much," Gonzales said. "Got a brother-in-law who's a lawyer. Sold him a pool, actually. But that's it."
Archived footage from Tulsa local television found by Senate investigators shows him in several local commercials touting "Cabana Al" as "the pool salesman Tulsa trusts" as late as November 2004, mere days before Bush announced he would nominate Gonzales to succeed John Ashcroft for Bush's second term. Furthermore, voluntarily taken polygraph tests indicated that Gonzales has absolutely no idea how he came to be placed in his current job, where he is in charge of a $40 billion budget and more than 110,000 employees.
"Why the hell would anyone appoint me, of all people, to this position?" Gonzales asked. "All I know about law is a couple of local Tulsa zoning ordinances restricting how big a pool you can put in various-sized suburban lots. Hey, I didn't change any of those while I...when you all thought I was.... No? Man, what a shame."
The Senate has decided against holding a no-confidence vote on Gonzales, as those who opposed the attorney general believe their point has been made, and those who supported him acknowledge that he himself is pleading to be excused from duties so that he can return to the greater Tulsa area as soon as possible.
"It's already full-blown summer, and if I'm going to sell any in-ground units this year I have to start digging by the end of June or they won't be ready until September almost, and the commission on above-ground stuff is just pathetic," Gonzales told Congress.
The attorney general has so far rejected Bush's offers to strike him upon the head in an attempt to reverse his sudden, unexpected amnesia cure and restore him to his former mental state. On the advice of counsel, all of whom, it has been verified, are actual lawyers, Gonzales has said he will not comment further on White House business, except to say that, if the president is interested, he could hook him up with a good deal on a three-season heated "Olympia model" for the Rose Garden
Friday, May 25, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Jesus Is My Health Insurance
from the Onion...
I tell you, people these days have lost their faith. Everybody's turning to the television or drugs or the government to solve their problems, when they should be trusting in the Lord.
Why, just the other day I went to County General because my legs were giving me awful pains, and this nurse starting asking me questions about providers and what was my health care plan and wanting my insurance card so she could copy it. I said, "Child, I don't need all that fancy paperwork—not as long as I have Jesus in my heart."
No matter what sorts of hardships and illnesses life throws my way, I always count on the Lord to oversee my managed care. So I told that nurse to send my bills right up to heaven. Send them right on up, because Jesus is my preferred provider and He always grants me full coverage. After all, Jesus believed in healing the sick and helping the poor, so He most definitely believes in paying my doctor bills on time.
The Son of God doesn't screen for pre- existing conditions, and the only requirement for coverage is that you accept Him into your life. There is no deductible with the Lord, and every doctor, clinic, and hospital is in His network. As long as I get down on my knees and submit my claims every night, Jesus will accept them. Even though Peter denied Him three times in a single night, He never denies me, no matter how many ovarian cysts and respiratory infections I might develop.
As long as I place my $10 weekly premium in the Holy Redeemer collection plate every Sunday, my spirit is full with the Lord. He maketh me lie down in green pastures, leadeth me beside the still waters, and covereth hospital stays for up to 90 days per benefit period.
Unlike many earthly health plans, the Lord's benefit summary is endless. It includes full vision and ambulance and X-rays. Hemodialysis, infertility treatment, dental, and gynecological exams are also included, as well as physical and occupational therapy. And well-baby and well-child care is covered too, including immunizations and hearing tests. For additional benefits details, consult your Bible.
But best of all, Jesus' plan is the only one that covers the greatest health benefit of all: everlasting life. Yes, indeed—the Lord primary-care provides.
Now, I remember the days when I was all alone in the world. Until I found the Lord, I was consumed with fear because my heart problems were getting worse and I had to be on these special pills and I couldn't afford regular insurance with my hotel housekeeping job. That's when I discovered that Jesus' emer- gency room accepts everybody. No lines, no waiting, no forms to fill out. He lifts my soul but never my rates.
Oh, once in a while those folks from P & H Collection Agency come calling, but I know it's just Jesus testing me. For I know that just as He delivered Lazarus from the tomb, the Lord will deliver me from the $80,000 in unpaid medical costs on my billing statement.
Today, I just give myself to the Lord and know that He will always provide a substantial portion of my net health-care costs for non-elective surgeries and routine office visits. And with the Holy Spirit as my death and dismemberment policy, my next of kin will one day reap the riches of heaven. Praise be
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions
from the Onion
KANSAS CITY, MO—Scientists at Hallmark Cards' Center for the Research and Development of Sentiments announced Monday that they had discovered three previously unknown emotions that can be experienced by human beings and captured on a folded piece of card stock.
Exploring The Human Psyche
Dr. Susan McMurrough has spent years analyzing the deep, unexamined feelings of thousands of test subjects in order to discover new, marketable emotions.
"These new Hallmark-brand feelings will fill a void that has too long persisted in the consumable pleasantries market," said Hallmark president and CEO Don Hall, Jr., speaking to reporters in front of a watercolor backdrop of tulips beside a pond. "They will add a whole new level of complexity and nuance to the way we humans relate to one another, and will fill in any gaps left by our 'Thinking of You' and 'Just Because' categories."
The first emotion the project successfully isolated was "requiapathy," the combination of relief and guilt that comes with the sudden realization that you no longer miss a dead loved one. That discovery quickly led to the uncovering of "seprudity," the feeling of appreciating a coworker's dedication without fully understanding his or her job function, and "trepatiousness," a synthesis of rage and jealousy, though more muted and often accompanied by a sensation of weight-lessness.
"[Trepatiousness] appears to be a very rare emotion, almost exclusively experienced while in a dream state," said principal investigator Dr. Susan McMurrough, a leader in the field of keepsake science best known for her work on the revolutionary "Blank Inside" line of cards. "The only way to activate it during waking hours, in fact, is with a combination of reds, oranges, and drowsy beagles in top hats."
The three emotions represent the latest discovery in the center's ongoing Emotions Mapping Project, a $42.4 million effort to identify and codify all of the mental and physiological states generated within the human psyche that are not currently covered by Hallmark's extensive line of greeting cards and collectible ornaments.
A prototype of one of the new cards, which will be available at Hallmark stores in time for Father's Day.
In 2002, McMurrough monitored the MRI activity of nearly 10,000 test subjects between the ages of 25 and 40 as they described all emotions they had experienced in the past six months and rated each for its intensity, duration, and whether it would be conveyable to others by mail. To identify targets of further study, McMurrough's team referenced that data against a matrix of all possible combinations of the neurotransmitters that catalyze human emotion.
"Until now, millions of people worldwide were forced to express their sincere and heartfelt requiapathy, seprudity, and trepatiousness with clumsy words and gestures," Hall said. "Our colorful and succinct messages will spare them countless hours of inconvenience and potential misunderstandings."
After a second group of Hallmark scientists successfully replicated the initial study's results, the sentiments were immediately submitted to the U.S. Patent Office and rushed to Hallmark headquarters, where writers, illustrators, and graphic designers interpreted the new emotions in warm, concise verse; inoffensive, ingratiating humor; and reassuring pastel watercolors.
"This research is not only groundbreaking—it's inspirational," said Mallory Jefson, a writer for Hallmark's Best Wishes department, who added that the emotions have led them to creative heights not reached since Secretaries Day became Administrative Professionals Day in 2000. In a single day of brainstorming, Jefson and her colleagues developed 15 seprudity-based card concepts that incorporated cats in sunglasses, and 22 new coffee mugs featuring the tart-tongued, post-menopausal character Maxine expressing requiapathy.
The Hallmark laboratories have been at the forefront of the greeting card sciences since the '40s. Their work has led to the creation of eight federally recognized holidays, the specification of a time frame in which someone ought to get well, and over a dozen flower and cursive-font combinations that, sales figures show, have effectively conveyed the complex emotional and psychological states of an estimated 185 million Americans.