Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Old West Phrases
That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie "Broke-Back Mountain"


1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:


1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember.......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.


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Saturday, March 25, 2006


John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, hens, called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Friday, January 20, 2006


When asked about the possiblity that Laura would run for publice office bush said "she's not inerested in running for office she's interested in literasy" and that he was pretty certain that when he married her "she didn't like politics or politicians"...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "that ought to taste good." Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Hickory Farms

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


they told me this would happen if I didn't quit doing it...and that even a dancing ball couldn't hide the truth...

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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


To All My on-line friends:

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Merry Christmas to all. (Lets keep CHRIST is CHRISTmas



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Monday, November 14, 2005


I am working on a plan to go meet them in Calgary and we will trade peanut butter and jelly for the lobster...and we will herd the lobster down this way...Larry has his hat and boots on...with the little spurs which will substitute as lobster forks on the trail...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Now this is an Alligator
This gator was found in New Orleans swimming down the street. 21 FT long, 4,500 lbs, around 80
years old minimum. Specialists said that he was looking to eat humans because he was too old to
catch animals. This crocodile was killed by the army last Sunday at 3:00 pm, currently he is in
the freezer at the Azur hotel. The contents of it's stomach will be analyzed
this Friday at 2:30pm.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Champion Sale

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STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? .... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Thursday, September 15, 2005


Oh thank gawwwwwdddddd my lobster was on one truck and
the butter was on the other


Truckers end blockade

TOM McCOAG / Amherst Bureau
Trucker spokesman Earl Germaine talks with RCMP
members shortly after six trucks partially blockaded
the Trans Canada Highway's eastbound lane at the Nova
Scotia-New Brunswick boundary on Thursday to protest
against the high cost of fuel.
Threat of tickets clears out gas price protesters


Truckers were moving their vehicles away from
barricades in northern New Brunswick on Thursday night
to avoid receiving hefty traffic fines, a spokesman
for the RCMP said late in the evening.

The independent drivers have been protesting high gas
prices for the past three days on highways throughout
the province - causing shortages at grocery stores and
a virtual shutdown in the flow of consumer goods into
and out of the Maritimes. Full story ...

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Friday, August 05, 2005

Friday, July 29, 2005

MILLENNIUM
(The Terrestrial Virus)

It was a most elegant example of the species. Robust and healthy, the likelihood of survival and prosperity were merely a factor of its continued existence. The beginning had been violent and growth had been slow. Many years had to pass before the intrinsic beauty began to appear, but accelerated rapidly as maturity began to evolve it into a most exquisite jewel.
Nestled in just the perfect place, many beneficial properties imbued themselves into the makeup of this consummate Eden. Invaluable to the health, these members wove themselves into a massively interconnected network of cooperation and interdependency the likes of which could only be envied. Their function was essential to the continued advancement for they provided something, in their own way, to the well-being and enduring sustenance that was provided them. They would come into being and pass on leaving their mark without disrupting the fabric that encompassed their domain.
It would seem that perfection was defined. Coexistence and harmony were the picture that was painted on the canvas, value beyond comprehension or definition. But, something wasn't right, in fact a terrible malignancy was insidiously planting itself in the very core of the spirit that had made everything complete.
The onset was hardly noticeable, the changes imperceptible in the beginning. The very diversity that had defined the dimensions and scope of this proud experiment in presence had encouraged an element that did not share the same refinement and beliefs. The motivation was neither as esoteric nor ethereal. Intelligence was the defining factor and it was not a complimentary trait.
Development was rapid. In the grand view it would seem to have taken only moments to spread. The effects, however, were devastating, incomprehensible. The edges began to fray. The system began to deteriorate. Where change had been ordained and planned, agreed upon and executed with order and acquiescence there now was ravage without reason. Death and destruction without purpose was now the law of the land. It began in the same froth as the rest but it was driven by dark demons. All others killed to survive and regenerate their kind. To live and leave the rest alone. This new constituent wanted all that and more.
Without benefit of natural defenses it cloned it's own. It found value in these skills and lost consciousness of the value of the environment. It worshipped itself and mocked all other beliefs. The waste generated was caustic and debilitating. Exponentially growing in direct proportion to the expansion of the wilding beast.
Death for the benefit of life no longer satisfied nor supplicated it. It defied all attempts to eradicate it. It mutated to new forms each time a threat confronted it but it still remained the same menace and this compromised the existence of everything else.
The beneficial components that comprised the whole were disappearing. The life- blood was being eaten away and the toll was showing itself in a disastrous way. The sphere of life that defined the ecology and incorporated all else was vanishing and the beauty that made it all possible was quickly vanishing.
But space was limited and the need to expand too great. It needs to extend its reach to new hosts before it wasted everything. It could not live here much longer. The systems were being strained to the limit and would soon collapse without the support they enjoyed in the past. Sustenance no longer existed for all and they began to die. As they disappeared the host began to die. Maybe this was the answer. As the host dies so do the parasites that infect it. They either leave and find a new victim or they die with the host.
Fortunately the system is strong and enduring. The disease will leave its mark but hopefully the whole will survive to replenish itself and go on. Damage will be extensive but not irreversible. Death is not the only alternative to be considered. It is a possibility that this Virus, to give it a name, will burn itself out, eat Itself out of existence, destroy everything it needs to exists and leave the rest. And when it is gone new elements will come into being that will help to repair the damage. Make everything new again and exist in harmony and cooperation once again.
I hope so.

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